Kyan's birth story! {and some random ramblings}

Monday, January 26, I had a doctors appointment to check my progress (I was 39 weeks). I had just gotten my membranes stripped a couple days before hoping that would speed things up. No luck. No contractions or anything. Since nothing had happened over the weekend, my doctor scheduled me to be induced the next night (January 27th at 10 pm) because they had Kyan already measuring almost 9 pounds a few weeks before and had more fluid than normal. The rest of that day I remember went by so slow for me. I was ready to meet my baby already! 

The next morning I got up and got ready. I couldn't sit still that morning, and had just felt so uncomfortable. I had horrible back pain throughout my entire pregnancy and that morning it had felt even worse. I didn't think anything of it and had just figured it was me being anxious about going in that night. Justin had been into work that morning and when he got home is when I remember I started feeling contractions in my back (but I wouldn't admit it because i was almost in denial since that was the first time I was feeling anything) Him, Lisa and I left for lunch and I was continuing to have them, at this point Lisa had started timing them and they were 3-4 minutes apart. Here we are in jimmy johns and I'm having contractions, no big deal, right? ;) We hurried home and I couldn't leave to the hospital until I knew the dogs had gone on a walk. Plus, I wanted to feel things out and was kind of putting off going to the hospital to see if my contractions would continue. I didn't want to get there and have them stop, because that would've been just my luck (even though they would've taken me either way since i was scheduled for that night) It was around 2 o'clock that we finally started heading to the hospital. Contractions were starting to get stronger and stronger and on our way all Justin could talk about is how he forgot to grab movies and he wanted to stop at a redbox (joking, of course, but he had us laughing!) 

Once we got there, they put me straight into a triage room to check my progression. I was dilated to just under a 5. They moved me straight into my delivery room and within 45 minutes of being at the hospital they gave me my epidural. Once I got that i was so relaxed and couldn't feel a thing. It's almost scary how relaxed you feel. 

My nurse I had when I first got there was awesome! She came in and told us it was time to switch shifts so she would make sure she found somebody cool to take care of me. And she did just that! A couple hours went by and I wasn't progressing as fast as they were hoping so she started me on pitocin. I wasn't on that for long before they had to take me off of it because my contractions were too close together and hard that it was stressing the baby! 

A little while later, around 8 o'clock, the doctor that was on call came walking in (still in civilian clothes and all) set her purse on the bed and told me she was going to break my water. Funny story (and may be TMI)...about 20 minutes after she broke my water we were just sitting there talking and all the sudden I told them I had felt like i was sitting in a pool of water. We started hearing water dripping and Lisa looked down and eyes got big "oh my gosh!" Let's just say they weren't kidding when they said I had a lot of fluid! I am SO glad my water didn't break in public!

We all thought for sure I would be having him before midnight after that! The nurse came in around 11:30 and I started to push. I wasn't pushing for very long and she told me I would have to wait a little while longer because he was still sitting pretty high and she didn't want me to get tired. She brought some kind of ball in shaped like a minion that i had to put in between my legs laying on my side to see if that would help move him down. It seemed like FOREVER I had to do that.

It was then around 2/2:30 in the morning that I finally started pushing again. We had the country music station on...I was ready to have a baby! Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours of pushing. They had put me on oxygen and I was getting SO tired and started to feel so much pain from pushing so much. 

Just when i felt like giving up, mommy and daddy's song came on. I got goosebumps and broke down bawling. That is the ONLY thing I clearly remember the whole almost 3 hours of pushing. I knew they were right by my side and something I will NEVER forget.

A little after 4 o'clock the doctor came back in and told me that Kyan's head was still turned funny and where he was such a big baby every time I was pushing it was making his heart rate drop. She also said I would probably be pushing for at least another 2 hours. I knew what she was getting to but she never came right out to TELL me to have a c-section. I just knew it was the best decision and what I had to do to keep Ky boy and myself safe. 

They got J all gowned up and prepped me to move into the OR. My nurse was back and forth between my room and another patient's room and she came up and gave me kiss on the cheek and told me she wasn't going to leave my side.

As I was laying there I just stared at the clock waiting to hear my baby boy's first cry.

At 4:36 am I heard the doctor say "he's here! big and healthy!" Not long after (but seemed like forever at the time) I heard that sweet little cry and it was then that I broke out in tears. He was here, we did it!

Kyan Troy Daley. Weighing 8 pounds 7 ounces and 21 inches long. Lots of dark brown hair and dark blue eyes! He was perfect. Our little piece of heaven was finally here!

the beginning of our long night/morning!

beyond thankful i had these two by my side! even if i made them freeze!

hearing his first cry <3

my cute little chunk!

seeing my boy for the first time and first family picture!

the best feeling in the world!

our precious little man! Kyan Troy Daley.

When I went into my 6 week checkup, my doctor noticed that I had been released from the hospital the day after surgery. She said something that really caught my attention. {We had been trying to have a baby for 3 years} She said "you know, the ones who try so long to have a baby I think are able to endure more pain". Now I'm by no means saying i'm "stronger" than anyone else or that my labor was "harder" than anyone else's. But I do know that there is not one day with my baby Ky that I take for granted. Especially on the hard days, I sit down and remind myself how long of a journey it took to get him here and there are others in that same position who would do anything to have a baby. When I am out in public I don't know how many times I get stopped by strangers when they see I have a small baby and say "oh wow are you getting any sleep" Of course I just smile and say "yes, he's actually a really good sleeper" but it honestly really bugs me. I don't know why, maybe because even the sleepless nights are SO worth it and are a blessing and it took us so long to get here. As hard as it was seeing negative after negative, it was truly a blessing that it took us so long to be able to get pregnant because it's opened my eyes and makes me appreciate everything just THAT much more. 

Giving birth was nothing like I imagined it being, especially not having mom and dad physically by my side, or seeing them hold my first born. But, the more I think about it, I know that God made us wait until now to have kids, because now is the most important time I need reminded how much my parents love me. I know for a fact we were finally blessed with Kyan after mom and dad, to feel the love we have for our child, and know thats how much mom and dad loves us!

7-21-13

July 21, 2013...a date that would forever changed my life.

The day before, Justin was able to come home for a night from his leadership school he was in for the month. He left that Sunday morning and I remember he couldn't leave the house until he had Carrie Underwood's new song downloaded, "See You Again". We said goodbye and then I went and layed back down because I was sick from pain meds from having my wisdom teeth out. We were living in Germany so we were eight hours ahead from back home in Idaho. So, I waited until the family was up and called them on Skype. Mom was in the kitchen cutting watermelon, and dad was sitting in his chair reading the newspaper. Talked to dad for a bit and I remember he was joking around with me because a few days before I had a bird fly into my house, and I had texted him first thing scared to death and all he could do was laugh. The last thing he said was "love you blondie, have a good day" My mom didn't talk much on Skype that day and I could tell something was up, so Corb took over and didn't seem too excited to talk to his sister, and then told me he wanted to go play and hung up. (Little turd ;)
I texted mom a few minutes later to tell her I love her since I didn't get to on Skype and she went on to tell me she didn't sleep at all the night before because she had really bad anxiety for no reason and just thought it was because of work. I thought it was really weird because we usually text each other when we can't sleep because our time was opposite. The last text I got from her was "I'm gonna go lay down because supposed to go on a Harley ride later, don't really want to go but going to make dad happy. love and miss you more!!!!"
That night I got into bed and couldn't sleep...next thing I know I get a message at 4:24 in the morning from Logan, "Are you on?!?!?!?!"...and that's when my world was crashing down around me. My worst fear of all, losing someone close to me. All I remember is falling to my knees screaming "NO!" and not knowing what to do, I felt numb, helpless, I couldn't move, and everything turned into a blur. Memories kept flashing in my head and I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare and couldn't wake up. I was alone, and I couldn't get ahold of Justin. I called my two best friends, Miranda and Hollie, and I don't even think I said anything through the tears but they came right over.

I can't believe it's already been a year since me and the boys have lost the most important people in our lives, mommy and daddy. This past year, I sit and look back on and I can't believe it's already been a year, because it seems like just yesterday I got the news, yet we have been through so much.

• Justin and I got guardianship of little Corban James
• We had to sell mommy and daddy's house, the house that built us
• Logan moved out on his own
• Justin, Corban and I moved to Colorado
• Corban had to start another school, and make new friends
• Justin and I bought our first house together
• We've had to celebrate birthdays and holidays without mom and dad
• Logan made the biggest commitment of his life and got married to a beautiful girl
• Justin and I found out we are expecting our first baby and mommy and daddy's first grandchild

Between all that we have had to deal with so many more trials that I don't even want to talk about.

As hard as it has been, just going from day to day, I can't help but to sit back and look at how blessed we have been. And even through the big steps we have taken in our lives, I know mommy and daddy were apart of it all. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel mommy and daddy with me and the boys, still guiding us through this crazy thing we call life. There has been more times than I can count that I have been having a hard day and their song "see you again" comes on. And after EVERY doctors appointment for the baby, I've gotten back in the car and without a doubt that song has come on.
Everyone always asks me "how do you do it" or I don't know how you do it, I can't imagine being in your shoes"...i'm going to be honest, I couldn't really tell you how I do it. Being strong is the only choice I have, and it's hard to even explain unless you're in the same position. Sure, I could've gone off the deep end, but where would that get me. Some nights when I lay in bed I sit there and wonder how I just got through another day. It still doesn't feel real, yet at the same time it does. Some days I still pick up my phone to call/text them, wait for a phone call from them, or wait for them to just walk in the door. Maybe it's God's way of helping me cope with it, I couldn't tell you.
I know in my heart God's greater plan has everything to do with it, some days it's just hard to understand. But, knowing they are at peace, and are together, comforts me so much. I can't wait to be welcomed by them when my time here on earth is done. Those of you who knows my family, knows my mom lost her parents when she was young, also. So, knowing that mommy and daddy were welcomed by my grandma and grandpa makes me so happy and I can only imagine how happy my mom is to see her parents again and dad to meet them. Knowing families are together and that I will see them again, is such a blessing, and gets me through it all.
I'm not going to share all of this, because it is personal to me...but, I found something inside my mom's journal that I read often. It is a letter that was written to me when I was only two years old. My mom had a fear of not being around as I grew older, because she had lost her parents so young. So in this letter she talks about how she knows how tough it is to grow up without a mother.

After reading the journal entry and letter, I can't help but to think that my mom knew. And the night before, she had all that anxiety for no reason. I don't know what it was, but my mom always had something special about her. Before we even knew we were going to adopt Corban, she had a dream that she had another boy with a head full of dark hair. And let me tell you, her dream was spot on because not even a year we were blessed with Corban and he was born with sideburns (haha).
I know my dad left to go be with my mom. I can't even imagine them living without each other, they were are a team.
They may not be able to be with me and the boys physically but I know they are still with us. Like my mom's letter says, I can always talk to her. She was my best friend and the one I went to about everything. So it makes me happy to know I still have her, and my dad, to turn to. And I hope Logan and Corban never forget that!
We were blessed with the best and were so lucky to have them in our lives as long as we did. I hope I never let them down and can always honor them and make them proud. I hope I can carry on memories, traditions, and traits down to Logan and Corban. I'm so glad mommy and daddy blessed me with the two brothers I have. They keep me going.
Today, we celebrate my mommy and daddy's lives. I miss them more than anything in this world and "i love them more!" Here's to you, my beautiful angels!

my daddy, papa T

It seems like every holiday, or big day, I am constantly wiping away more tears than normal. Some days I wish we could just get rid of holidays, birthdays, all that just to not have to deal with the memories, and the (more than everyday) hurt and pain they cause. But I am getting better at reminding myself to think of the happy memories and to celebrate their life rather than hurt that they're not here with us. Easier said than done though, one day, maybe, one day. Most days it still just doesn't even feel real yet, and I'm not sure it ever will to be honest. Such a weird feeling, and a hard one to describe at that.

Today we get to celebrate one of the most important guys that was in my life, if not the MOST important. I call him daddy. Let me just tell you a few things about him.

• He worked at Monsanto, he may have always said he hated his job but secretly we all knew he loved it because it's all he would ever talk about. Every single day (and the brothers will back me up on this) he would come home, set his lunch box down and say "kids, make sure you guys go to college so you don't end up like me." I can still hear him saying it. Logan would always joke that when he was older he was going to carpool with my dad to work, haha. Even though he "hated" his job, he did whatever he had to to support his family and I will always be grateful for that.

• Speaking of work, he was the hardest working man I knew. If he wasn't working hours on end at work, he was either doing something with EMT, firefighting, something on the house/in the yard, or washing the cars! (Anyone who knew my dad knows he loved to take care of his cars and keep them clean!) He could never just sit down and relax and hold still. Always had to be up doing something!

• When him and mom had time off work together (on the weekends) we were always gone somewhere doing something. When I was home while J was deployed, there was never a dull weekend where we weren't out doing something, traveling somewhere. Mom and dad both loved to travel!

• Mom and us kids? We were his everything! And there was never a day that went by that he didn't let us know that. From always being there for us, whether we needed a butt kicking or a shoulder to cry on, or just a big daddy bear hug (he would always hug us and give us a big kiss on the top of our head, until logie bear got taller than him ;) how I would love to have one of those big hugs right now. Pretty much EVERY morning before he left for work he would leave a little note for the kids around the house. Could just be a 'good luck on your test', or a 'have a good day' or have a chore list for us, he would ALWAYS write I love you on it.

• How could I ever forget daddy's laugh. And his smile (with his gap in his teeth :) Have you ever been in a movie at the theater and when everyone laughs there is that ONE laugh you can hear over everyone else? That was my dad. Sometimes it was embarrassing but you couldn't help but laugh with him after hearing him laugh. I will never forget one day all the family was upstairs and all the sudden we hear my dad just laughing away downstairs (by himself) we walked down and he was watching twilight just cracking up! He was constantly making us laugh.

• Every night he got home from work, we had dinner at the dinner table, no ifs or buts about it. I don't ever remember not having dinner at the table because he loved having the whole family together to just talk about our days. And now looking back on it, I am so glad I was raised that way and he did that, because I am the same way now. And you could always count on dad to have a funny story or two about his day! He could tell stories all night long.

• He had nicknames for I think everyone he met, haha. Whether it was guys at work, us kids, or our friends. That is how he would remember someone. I will always be his blondie! And just to go along with nicknames, he had to always give everyone a hard time and joke around with them, or try to embarrass you! When I was younger, I was in a school play and he kept telling me he was going to sit front row and yell "casey, i'm your dad!" little did I know he wasn't lying! And to make it even worse? he had put those plastic "bubba" teeth in and started waving at me. Leave it to my dad ;)

• Looking for a car? a boat? a trailer? My dad was the guy to ask to help you look for that! He loved looking what was for sale on KSL. Just one of my favorite memories with him that I will never forget...when Justin was gone to basic training, my birthday that year, he got up that morning and woke me up and told me to get ready he was taking me car shopping. One of the funnest (yes, I said funnest, so what) days I've had with just me and my daddy. We would go to one dealership, test drive a car and drive it to another dealership to car shop there, haha. That's when we ended up getting my G6 and I remember driving home that day and he pulled up beside me at a stop light in the mazda and he raced me all the way home.

• Last, but not least, he couldn't wait to be a grandpa! Ever since J and I got married, he wouldn't come out and say it, but he was already buying things for the grandkids, and would say "this doesn't mean anything!" He would go to garage sales and get little bikes and everything. One day he came home and had bought little baby adidas socks and gave them to me (because he was slightly obsessed with adidas clothing) He had those little socks in the box still sitting on his dresser up till the day we had to clean out their room... </3 ...I know they are just loving being able to be with all their grandkids in heaven...

• He would sing every song that would come on the radio or we would be listening to (his favorite? lady gaga haha) and those have been some of the best memories, turnin up the music in the car with daddy and singing 'bohemian rhapsody'. He would always sing 'I loved her first' to me and has always been protective of his little girl.

Look at the two of you dancing that way
Lost in the moment and each others face
So much in love your alone in this place
Like there's nobody else in the world
I was enough for her not long ago
I was her number one
She told me so
And she still means the world to me
Just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl
Time changes everything
Life must go on
And I'm not gonna stand in your way

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it still hard to give her away
I loved her first
How could that beautiful women with you
Be the same freckle face kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time

From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I'm going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first


I could go on and on about my dad, whether it makes me laugh or cry. I miss everything about him! I am so blessed I grew up with such an example in my life, to know what to look for in a man, to know how I want to raise my kids. My little brothers have already been blessed with so many of his traits, especially Logan. He is his twin. When I am with him, I seriously always have to do a double take because he his identical. Looks just like him, walks just like him. And now seeing him married, I see even more of my dad in him. He sure loved loves his little buddies!

 

Happy Father's Day to the best daddy! I love you more and miss you SO much! Thank you for continuing to watch over us. I will see you again <3 

Love, your little blonde girl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

Also, I want to say a very Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband. He has stepped up to something that not just anyone could do, especially in a situation like this. It took someone special, and that's just what I have! He has been such an awesome father role to my little Corban James, and has been such a good example for him. The bond they have is inseparable and we are blessed to have him in our lives! So thank you, J. For everything you do for little man! I know momma j and papa t are smiling down at you for all you do for us! I love you babe!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



my B-E-A-Utiful momma

I'm not going to lie, ever since I was little, Mother's Day and Father's Day has always been two of my favorite 'holidays'. I'm pretty sure it all started with the little flowers/plants you got to plant for mom in a plastic cup in school or church. Or maybe the little 'coupon' books you got to make dad. I know you all know exactly what I'm talking about and have made them before! "one free ticket for a back rub" or "two tickets to wash the car". They were always so happy to get them even though they knew it would be the same thing every year.
As I got older, it wasn't about the flowers I planted or the coupon books I made. It was all about simply celebrating and thanking THEM. You grow to realize just how much they do for you and I always thought it was silly they only get ONE day of the year to be "recognized". But, you get to make that one day extra special.
Today isn't like any other Mother's Day. It's such a bittersweet one. I have always said that I hope one day I can be half the mother my mom is someday. Now here I am trying to fill her shoes in a way I never even thought of. But I know she has been with me every step of the way, to be the best "mom" I can be for her little Corban James.
Today I get to celebrate the most important woman who was in my life, my mommy.

• My mom was my best friend. She was the one who was always there for me no matter what, and our relationship and bond was inseparable. Ever since I can remember, she ALWAYS played this song for me and told me it was "our song". I can't listen to this song without tears streaming down my face now...I miss you mommy.

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

 

• She was the most selfless person I knew, and had the biggest heart! She would always put others first, no matter what. Would give the shirt off of her back to anyone.
• ALWAYS had a smile on her face no matter what situation she was in! And anyone who knew my mom, knows that her smile could make anyone smile.
• Along with her pretty smile, she was constantly laughing (and that my friends, is where I get it from!) that laugh of hers was the type that would fill the room! She was always trying to make others laugh.
• She was so creative with anything and everything she did! It could be the smallest of things but it would end up taking her ten times longer because she had to think of how to make it 'more creative' and put her extra touch on it.
• So positive and always looking for the good in everything and everyone!
• The hardest working lady I knew! She was the type who loved to work, always had to be doing something! My dad would always have to tell her to take a break, or take time off.
• She put family first. Her family was her everything and she NEVER let us forget that! From leaving us little notes around the house (daddy always did that too before he left for work), to giving us a hug and kiss every time we left the house, even if we would only be gone for a few minutes.
• The most beautiful woman! Ever since I was little I would go and sit in the bathroom with her while my mom got ready and just stare at her. Or when she was sleeping, I would just sit and look at her and think how pretty she was and hope that someday I would look just like her! (I know, sounds creepy actually saying that, ha! but it's the truth!)
• She was also a foster mom and an adoptive mom! She loved all of our foster kids we had just like her own, and still to that day would talk about them wondering what they were up to and how she missed them.

I could go on and on about my mom. She was such an incredible lady, and even more incredible MOM! I wish more than ANYTHING that I could wrap my arms around her and give her a big hug and kiss and tell her how much I love her. To be able to see that smile of hers and hear that laugh. I miss her and daddy more than anything but I know they are hand in hand! Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful mommy and I'm so thankful I had such a strong and beautiful role model and example in my life. I love you more Momma J!

 

 

 





Not many people know we have been struggling with infertility. It's not something I like to talk about, because it hasn't been easy, but I will never forget last Mother's Day, my mom sent me a sweet message telling me "Happy Mother's Day". I told her she sent that to the wrong person and she went on to tell me I am still a "mother" because I WANT to be, because we have been trying so hard. That right there, has been keeping me going, giving me more hope than anything and will keep that in my heart forever. The day I have someone calling me mom, will be such a miracle.

ready or not 2014...here we come

I can't believe another year has come and gone. Some points it seemed to fly by and others have seemed like it would never end! So much has happened this year and as hard as it has been I've also learned so much and have become stronger than I ever thought I could be. it always sounds so cliché to say "this year has been such a roller coaster" but I don't know how else to put it. I don't want this post to be a downer because this year there has also been so many things I'm grateful for and blessed:

• My husband and I went through a nine month deployment and he made it home safe! It taught us so much and I truly believe it brought us closer as a couple. So happy to have him home by my side! Also during those nine months I moved home from Germany to stay with my family, and I never would've looked at it as such a blessing as I do now! Being there for all of my parent's 'lasts' without knowing it </3
• My mom and brother got to come out to Germany and we traveled around Germany and Austria! We took my mom to see castles and Austria for the sound of music, always had been one of her life long dreams. Again, such a blessing it is now knowing she accomplished one of her dreams before she left this earth. I'm so glad I have those memories to look back on now and seeing how happy she was! (also, when they were here we joked that my dad was probably going to go out and buy something...well, that is when he bought the Harley and I still remember it like yesterday him skyping us telling us he bought it and how excited he was! He had always wanted one!)
• Justin and I got to go on a Mediterranean cruise. It was our first cruise and it was so much fun. We got to see Italy, Turkey, Greece and Croatia. So happy we got to travel around while we lived in Germany!
• Losing my mom and dad has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through and probably ever will! I miss them more and more everyday! I was always so afraid of losing someone close to me and never imagined what it would be like without them. Losing them both at the same time? I still feel like I'm living in a nightmare. But I have felt them with me every day! It has been so hard without them but it is such a comfort knowing they are together <3 I can't wait until I see them again and so blessed to know that families are forever!
• We gained guardianship of my little brother Corban. Again, something SO unexpected. But he has been such a blessing in Justin and I's lives! He has always my family's pride and joy ever since we adopted him. I can't imagine life without this little man. He keeps us going and has taught us so much! It's been a challenge to play the parent roll and still have a sibling relationship also, but I know that my parents have been helping me! <3
• We had to leave Germany earlier than expected, sell the house I grew up in and move to a new place but we have been blessed to become home owners to our gorgeous home in Colorado Springs!
• We have had to go through birthdays and holidays without my mom and dad and it has been so hard on us all! But we have been beyond blessed with a "second" family (and my brother's soon to be in-laws)! They have been there for us from day one, moved us, been shoulders to cry on, laughed with us, have taken us in as their own, and let us spend Christmas with them. I am and will always be beyond grateful for this family and will never be able to repay them for how much they have done for us! We love you forever, for always near and far!
• My little (big) brother, Logan, just got engaged and I couldn't be more happy for him and Jordan! I'm so excited to see them start their lives together and gain a sister to the family! I'm so proud of my brother and the man he has become! He reminds me so much of my daddy each and every day!

As tomorrow is the first day of a new year, it's like opening a blank 365 page book. This year I want to make sure I let the people I love know how much they mean to me and cherish them, and be the best sister, friend, wife and mother role I can be! I want to be a healthier me and get to my goal. I want to start school and find out "what I want to be when I grow up". I want to hopefully start our own little family! <3 And most importantly I want to live bigger, bolder and better in my mommy and daddy's honor!

 

 

 

 

 

twelve. ten. ten.

I know this sounds so cliché, we have had our ups and downs this past year, but it seriously has been such a roller coaster for us. We went from making it through a long 9 month deployment, to traveling Europe with my mom and brother and going on our first cruise, to the worst news about mommy and daddy, to now buying our first home together and trying to start our 'normal' lives.

I got married when I was 18 years old. I still remember the day Justin asked me, (when I was still 17, ha!) my mom and dad came down into my room, sat on the edge of my bed and asked me if I was sure this is what I wanted. It's not that they didn't like Justin or support us, they just wanted the best for their 'little girl', for us. I remember it took a couple weeks for them to come around to it and then ever since, they were the most support we have ever had. They wrote Justin every chance they could while he was in basic training, telling him how proud they were of him. They helped me plan the wedding, with the little time we had. While we were in Germany they would send us a package almost every week, just because they missed us, and they never let us forget that. When we ran into financial problems, they were right there to help out any way they could, even being across the world.

Even though this has been the hardest year of my life, I am so glad I have had my amazing husband by my side, and I know my parents are too. I know my parents were never planning on me getting married so young. I look at how everything has played out and it just gives me the goose bumps. We got married, moved to Germany away from family and on our own. Justin was gone a lot of the time training and then we get stuck with a nine month deployment. As hard as it was sometimes, I truly believe we moved away on our own to strengthen our marriage for the hardships in our lives to come, to learn to rely on each other, maybe more than normal.

There are many reasons I'm glad we got married when we did, but a big one is the relationship Justin grew to have with my mom and dad. They loved him like their own, in fact, the day we got married my dad wrote Justin a letter to give to him the day he left for Germany and it said "I don't think I like the name son-in-law very well. I think that on December 10th I just added a new son to the family." They were always so proud of everything he did and were constantly asking about what he does and wanting to know more. I always admired my mom and dad's marriage and always wanted to find someone as hard working, and loving as my daddy. I'm so glad I found him, and at the time that I did, because not only do I need that now, Corban does too.

I'm not going to be annoying and say Justin is the "best husband ever", but he is the best husband for ME. I am so glad I have him right by my side in this crazy thing we call life. He amazes me everyday! He is such a hard worker, and is always trying his best in all that he does. He has accomplished so much, especially in these past three years and I couldn't be anymore proud of him than I am! He is constantly putting others before himself and has such a big heart. He has been right by mine and my brother's sides through these last few months. Right after everything happened the first thing he said was " we need to get home to the boys!" And he did just that, and took them in like they were his own. I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be by my side to help me raise Corban now.

Happy third anniversary to my amazing husband, and we have many more to come! This is just the beginning to our crazy beautiful life and I'm glad I have him by my side <3

Happy anniversary honey! Thank you for always being there for me whether I need a shoulder to cry on (which I need a lot of lately) or just being there to listen. I am so proud of you! You make me want to be a better person each and every day and I thank you for that. Thank you for being so amazing with Corb and Log, and not only being a brother-in-law now, but being such an awesome father figure to Corban. He loves you and looks up to you so much (sometimes it scares me)! I'm so glad I found you and so blessed to have you in my life! I couldn't have asked for a better guy to be by my side, especially this year. You are my best friend! I love you forever, for always, no matter what! Here's to three years, and many more to come! muah!

updates and ramblings (:

i'm not even going to try coming up with an excuse for not writing a post forever, cuz lets just face it, i suck at this whole blog thing (: but hey, it's nice to have somewhere to write your feelings to share, right? especially during this dang deployment :/
i knew this dreaded deployment was coming even before i moved to germany, and tried to prepare myself for it, but as hard as you try, you can never ever be "prepared" for it. where did the time go? i don't know if i just kept telling myself that it wouldn't happen and we could somehow get away from it somehow or if i was trying to make every moment last being with him that i didn't even realize. the feeling of knowing your loved one is leaving for an extended period of time is the worst feeling i've ever had, like your heart is slowly tearing apart. the last night we got to spend together we went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, walked down by the river during sunset and then down by one of our favorite places, on the old castle wall, for the last time for awhile. trying so hard to focus on just spending time with eachother and not the fact that it would be the last night together was hard for both of us. just looking at eachother we each knew and had to try holding back the tears. (heck, i'm crying just writing this thinking back to it!) me being the procrastinator i am still wasn't even close to packing 9 months of my life up into suitcases so justin helped me finish that once we got home and that's when the tears just kept coming. i just remember laying in bed that night, i didn't sleep at all, i wanted to stay up and just hold onto him one last time, so that's what i did. making every second last. even though it only seemed like 2 seconds, before i knew it, it was time to get up and head to the airport. i felt lifeless, emotionless. i was already missing him more than he knew. the two hour drive to the airport i just stared out the window, tears nonstop, and holding his hand as tight as i could. is it really already time to say "see ya later?" the last hug wasn't long enough. in that moment, i had the whole world in my arms and i never wanted to let go! walking away and looking back seeing him walking away, my heart walking away from me. i just wanted to run back and give him one last hug and kiss. i walked through the airport that day, expecting everyone to just know what i was going through, to stop and just smile or tell me everything was going to be okay. the tears never stopped. i just kept looking around, maybe i'm in some sort of dream, maybe justin will come up and sweep me off my feet and this would all be over!
i realize that as much as i try writing about that day, nothing i say will even come close to explaining the hurt and pain i felt that day...and any military spouse will know exactly what i mean.
we had already somewhat been through this when he left for basic. and after he left that time, the whole 6 months he was gone i didn't feel like doing anything. i was the one who would lay in bed non stop crying, and pretty much the only time i would get out of the house is to walk out to the mailbox to check for a letter from justin. never wanted to do anything with my family or friends, never felt like getting ready. well this time is different...as of today we are almost 3 1/2 months down. "you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have". i never fully understood that quote until i married into the military. especially during this deployment. i'm proud of myself for how strong i have been through this. this time i realize that going through this you you can either sit around being sad all the time saying "poor me" like i did when he was gone for basic training or, you can turn around and make it a positive experience. to some people who aren't in the military, it comes off as "oh you don't seem like you miss your husband, blah blah blah" but don't confuse the lack of tears with not loving or missing my husband. (not trying to come of mean, but all us military wives know that when people outside of the miltary try comparing them to us and our situation :) during the time we spent in germany, he spent a lot of time out in the field training for deployment (which i am SO glad they did! even though at the time i hated it and didn't want him to leave, but it made it all worth it and makes me feel better) not only did it help him for being down range, but it also helped me/us with being seperated. he would be gone for a little over a month most times, now going through this deployment i look back and that's like a cakewalk! but, it doesn't ever get easier saying "see ya later", you just adapt to it. it is apart of our life. now going through this, i look at everything in a positive perspective. i absolutely love coming up with cute ideas for care packages for him and hearing his reaction when he receives them. i love that every day is one day closer to that day i will be with him and be able to give him a huge hug and kiss! i'm excited for how much stronger this is making our marriage and relationship. sleepless nights usually aren't good, but for me, they're usually the best because that means i heard from justin, even if it was just a little message saying "i love you". don't get me wrong, i definately have my days that i break down and all i want is to be in his arms, but that's not how i want to go through this whole deployment. it takes a strong heart to go through this and i want to be able to look back after this is over and know that i tried my hardest to be strong for him and maybe even helped someone else who didn't feel as strong as i did. i'm taking this day by day and we WILL get through this! huh babe?! i love and miss you more than anything! almost half way through! stay safe and come home to me! xoxo.

(i know this was all over the place, but i was in the mood to do a blog post :p)