The day before, Justin was able to come home for a night from his leadership school he was in for the month. He left that Sunday morning and I remember he couldn't leave the house until he had Carrie Underwood's new song downloaded, "See You Again". We said goodbye and then I went and layed back down because I was sick from pain meds from having my wisdom teeth out. We were living in Germany so we were eight hours ahead from back home in Idaho. So, I waited until the family was up and called them on Skype. Mom was in the kitchen cutting watermelon, and dad was sitting in his chair reading the newspaper. Talked to dad for a bit and I remember he was joking around with me because a few days before I had a bird fly into my house, and I had texted him first thing scared to death and all he could do was laugh. The last thing he said was "love you blondie, have a good day" My mom didn't talk much on Skype that day and I could tell something was up, so Corb took over and didn't seem too excited to talk to his sister, and then told me he wanted to go play and hung up. (Little turd ;)
I texted mom a few minutes later to tell her I love her since I didn't get to on Skype and she went on to tell me she didn't sleep at all the night before because she had really bad anxiety for no reason and just thought it was because of work. I thought it was really weird because we usually text each other when we can't sleep because our time was opposite. The last text I got from her was "I'm gonna go lay down because supposed to go on a Harley ride later, don't really want to go but going to make dad happy. love and miss you more!!!!"
That night I got into bed and couldn't sleep...next thing I know I get a message at 4:24 in the morning from Logan, "Are you on?!?!?!?!"...and that's when my world was crashing down around me. My worst fear of all, losing someone close to me. All I remember is falling to my knees screaming "NO!" and not knowing what to do, I felt numb, helpless, I couldn't move, and everything turned into a blur. Memories kept flashing in my head and I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare and couldn't wake up. I was alone, and I couldn't get ahold of Justin. I called my two best friends, Miranda and Hollie, and I don't even think I said anything through the tears but they came right over.
I can't believe it's already been a year since me and the boys have lost the most important people in our lives, mommy and daddy. This past year, I sit and look back on and I can't believe it's already been a year, because it seems like just yesterday I got the news, yet we have been through so much.
- Justin and I got guardianship of little Corban James
- We had to sell mommy and daddy's house, the house that built us
- Logan moved out on his own
- Justin, Corban and I moved to Colorado
- Corban had to start another school, and make new friends
- Justin and I bought our first house together
- We've had to celebrate birthdays and holidays without mom and dad
- Logan made the biggest commitment of his life and got married to a beautiful girl
- Justin and I found out we are expecting our first baby and mommy and daddy's first grandchild
As hard as it has been, just going from day to day, I can't help but to sit back and look at how blessed we have been. And even through the big steps we have taken in our lives, I know mommy and daddy were apart of it all. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel mommy and daddy with me and the boys, still guiding us through this crazy thing we call life. There has been more times than I can count that I have been having a hard day and their song "see you again" comes on. And after EVERY doctors appointment for the baby, I've gotten back in the car and without a doubt that song has come on.
Everyone always asks me "how do you do it" or I don't know how you do it, I can't imagine being in your shoes"...i'm going to be honest, I couldn't really tell you how I do it. Being strong is the only choice I have, and it's hard to even explain unless you're in the same position. Sure, I could've gone off the deep end, but where would that get me. Some nights when I lay in bed I sit there and wonder how I just got through another day. It still doesn't feel real, yet at the same time it does. Some days I still pick up my phone to call/text them, wait for a phone call from them, or wait for them to just walk in the door. Maybe it's God's way of helping me cope with it, I couldn't tell you.
I know in my heart God's greater plan has everything to do with it, some days it's just hard to understand. But, knowing they are at peace, and are together, comforts me so much. I can't wait to be welcomed by them when my time here on earth is done. Those of you who knows my family, knows my mom lost her parents when she was young, also. So, knowing that mommy and daddy were welcomed by my grandma and grandpa makes me so happy and I can only imagine how happy my mom is to see her parents again and dad to meet them. Knowing families are together and that I will see them again, is such a blessing, and gets me through it all.
I'm not going to share all of this, because it is personal to me...but, I found something inside my mom's journal that I read often. It is a letter that was written to me when I was only two years old. My mom had a fear of not being around as I grew older, because she had lost her parents so young. So in this letter she talks about how she knows how tough it is to grow up without a mother.
After reading the journal entry and letter, I can't help but to think that my mom knew. And the night before, she had all that anxiety for no reason. I don't know what it was, but my mom always had something special about her. Before we even knew we were going to adopt Corban, she had a dream that she had another boy with a head full of dark hair. And let me tell you, her dream was spot on because not even a year we were blessed with Corban and he was born with sideburns (haha).
I know my dad left to go be with my mom. I can't even imagine them living without each other, they
They may not be able to be with me and the boys physically but I know they are still with us. Like my mom's letter says, I can always talk to her. She was my best friend and the one I went to about everything. So it makes me happy to know I still have her, and my dad, to turn to. And I hope Logan and Corban never forget that!
We were blessed with the best and were so lucky to have them in our lives as long as we did. I hope I never let them down and can always honor them and make them proud. I hope I can carry on memories, traditions, and traits down to Logan and Corban. I'm so glad mommy and daddy blessed me with the two brothers I have. They keep me going.
Today, we celebrate my mommy and daddy's lives. I miss them more than anything in this world and "i love them more!" Here's to you, my beautiful angels!
