updates and ramblings (:

i'm not even going to try coming up with an excuse for not writing a post forever, cuz lets just face it, i suck at this whole blog thing (: but hey, it's nice to have somewhere to write your feelings to share, right? especially during this dang deployment :/
i knew this dreaded deployment was coming even before i moved to germany, and tried to prepare myself for it, but as hard as you try, you can never ever be "prepared" for it. where did the time go? i don't know if i just kept telling myself that it wouldn't happen and we could somehow get away from it somehow or if i was trying to make every moment last being with him that i didn't even realize. the feeling of knowing your loved one is leaving for an extended period of time is the worst feeling i've ever had, like your heart is slowly tearing apart. the last night we got to spend together we went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, walked down by the river during sunset and then down by one of our favorite places, on the old castle wall, for the last time for awhile. trying so hard to focus on just spending time with eachother and not the fact that it would be the last night together was hard for both of us. just looking at eachother we each knew and had to try holding back the tears. (heck, i'm crying just writing this thinking back to it!) me being the procrastinator i am still wasn't even close to packing 9 months of my life up into suitcases so justin helped me finish that once we got home and that's when the tears just kept coming. i just remember laying in bed that night, i didn't sleep at all, i wanted to stay up and just hold onto him one last time, so that's what i did. making every second last. even though it only seemed like 2 seconds, before i knew it, it was time to get up and head to the airport. i felt lifeless, emotionless. i was already missing him more than he knew. the two hour drive to the airport i just stared out the window, tears nonstop, and holding his hand as tight as i could. is it really already time to say "see ya later?" the last hug wasn't long enough. in that moment, i had the whole world in my arms and i never wanted to let go! walking away and looking back seeing him walking away, my heart walking away from me. i just wanted to run back and give him one last hug and kiss. i walked through the airport that day, expecting everyone to just know what i was going through, to stop and just smile or tell me everything was going to be okay. the tears never stopped. i just kept looking around, maybe i'm in some sort of dream, maybe justin will come up and sweep me off my feet and this would all be over!
i realize that as much as i try writing about that day, nothing i say will even come close to explaining the hurt and pain i felt that day...and any military spouse will know exactly what i mean.
we had already somewhat been through this when he left for basic. and after he left that time, the whole 6 months he was gone i didn't feel like doing anything. i was the one who would lay in bed non stop crying, and pretty much the only time i would get out of the house is to walk out to the mailbox to check for a letter from justin. never wanted to do anything with my family or friends, never felt like getting ready. well this time is different...as of today we are almost 3 1/2 months down. "you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have". i never fully understood that quote until i married into the military. especially during this deployment. i'm proud of myself for how strong i have been through this. this time i realize that going through this you you can either sit around being sad all the time saying "poor me" like i did when he was gone for basic training or, you can turn around and make it a positive experience. to some people who aren't in the military, it comes off as "oh you don't seem like you miss your husband, blah blah blah" but don't confuse the lack of tears with not loving or missing my husband. (not trying to come of mean, but all us military wives know that when people outside of the miltary try comparing them to us and our situation :) during the time we spent in germany, he spent a lot of time out in the field training for deployment (which i am SO glad they did! even though at the time i hated it and didn't want him to leave, but it made it all worth it and makes me feel better) not only did it help him for being down range, but it also helped me/us with being seperated. he would be gone for a little over a month most times, now going through this deployment i look back and that's like a cakewalk! but, it doesn't ever get easier saying "see ya later", you just adapt to it. it is apart of our life. now going through this, i look at everything in a positive perspective. i absolutely love coming up with cute ideas for care packages for him and hearing his reaction when he receives them. i love that every day is one day closer to that day i will be with him and be able to give him a huge hug and kiss! i'm excited for how much stronger this is making our marriage and relationship. sleepless nights usually aren't good, but for me, they're usually the best because that means i heard from justin, even if it was just a little message saying "i love you". don't get me wrong, i definately have my days that i break down and all i want is to be in his arms, but that's not how i want to go through this whole deployment. it takes a strong heart to go through this and i want to be able to look back after this is over and know that i tried my hardest to be strong for him and maybe even helped someone else who didn't feel as strong as i did. i'm taking this day by day and we WILL get through this! huh babe?! i love and miss you more than anything! almost half way through! stay safe and come home to me! xoxo.

(i know this was all over the place, but i was in the mood to do a blog post :p)