7-21-13

July 21, 2013...a date that would forever changed my life.

The day before, Justin was able to come home for a night from his leadership school he was in for the month. He left that Sunday morning and I remember he couldn't leave the house until he had Carrie Underwood's new song downloaded, "See You Again". We said goodbye and then I went and layed back down because I was sick from pain meds from having my wisdom teeth out. We were living in Germany so we were eight hours ahead from back home in Idaho. So, I waited until the family was up and called them on Skype. Mom was in the kitchen cutting watermelon, and dad was sitting in his chair reading the newspaper. Talked to dad for a bit and I remember he was joking around with me because a few days before I had a bird fly into my house, and I had texted him first thing scared to death and all he could do was laugh. The last thing he said was "love you blondie, have a good day" My mom didn't talk much on Skype that day and I could tell something was up, so Corb took over and didn't seem too excited to talk to his sister, and then told me he wanted to go play and hung up. (Little turd ;)
I texted mom a few minutes later to tell her I love her since I didn't get to on Skype and she went on to tell me she didn't sleep at all the night before because she had really bad anxiety for no reason and just thought it was because of work. I thought it was really weird because we usually text each other when we can't sleep because our time was opposite. The last text I got from her was "I'm gonna go lay down because supposed to go on a Harley ride later, don't really want to go but going to make dad happy. love and miss you more!!!!"
That night I got into bed and couldn't sleep...next thing I know I get a message at 4:24 in the morning from Logan, "Are you on?!?!?!?!"...and that's when my world was crashing down around me. My worst fear of all, losing someone close to me. All I remember is falling to my knees screaming "NO!" and not knowing what to do, I felt numb, helpless, I couldn't move, and everything turned into a blur. Memories kept flashing in my head and I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare and couldn't wake up. I was alone, and I couldn't get ahold of Justin. I called my two best friends, Miranda and Hollie, and I don't even think I said anything through the tears but they came right over.

I can't believe it's already been a year since me and the boys have lost the most important people in our lives, mommy and daddy. This past year, I sit and look back on and I can't believe it's already been a year, because it seems like just yesterday I got the news, yet we have been through so much.

• Justin and I got guardianship of little Corban James
• We had to sell mommy and daddy's house, the house that built us
• Logan moved out on his own
• Justin, Corban and I moved to Colorado
• Corban had to start another school, and make new friends
• Justin and I bought our first house together
• We've had to celebrate birthdays and holidays without mom and dad
• Logan made the biggest commitment of his life and got married to a beautiful girl
• Justin and I found out we are expecting our first baby and mommy and daddy's first grandchild

Between all that we have had to deal with so many more trials that I don't even want to talk about.

As hard as it has been, just going from day to day, I can't help but to sit back and look at how blessed we have been. And even through the big steps we have taken in our lives, I know mommy and daddy were apart of it all. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel mommy and daddy with me and the boys, still guiding us through this crazy thing we call life. There has been more times than I can count that I have been having a hard day and their song "see you again" comes on. And after EVERY doctors appointment for the baby, I've gotten back in the car and without a doubt that song has come on.
Everyone always asks me "how do you do it" or I don't know how you do it, I can't imagine being in your shoes"...i'm going to be honest, I couldn't really tell you how I do it. Being strong is the only choice I have, and it's hard to even explain unless you're in the same position. Sure, I could've gone off the deep end, but where would that get me. Some nights when I lay in bed I sit there and wonder how I just got through another day. It still doesn't feel real, yet at the same time it does. Some days I still pick up my phone to call/text them, wait for a phone call from them, or wait for them to just walk in the door. Maybe it's God's way of helping me cope with it, I couldn't tell you.
I know in my heart God's greater plan has everything to do with it, some days it's just hard to understand. But, knowing they are at peace, and are together, comforts me so much. I can't wait to be welcomed by them when my time here on earth is done. Those of you who knows my family, knows my mom lost her parents when she was young, also. So, knowing that mommy and daddy were welcomed by my grandma and grandpa makes me so happy and I can only imagine how happy my mom is to see her parents again and dad to meet them. Knowing families are together and that I will see them again, is such a blessing, and gets me through it all.
I'm not going to share all of this, because it is personal to me...but, I found something inside my mom's journal that I read often. It is a letter that was written to me when I was only two years old. My mom had a fear of not being around as I grew older, because she had lost her parents so young. So in this letter she talks about how she knows how tough it is to grow up without a mother.

After reading the journal entry and letter, I can't help but to think that my mom knew. And the night before, she had all that anxiety for no reason. I don't know what it was, but my mom always had something special about her. Before we even knew we were going to adopt Corban, she had a dream that she had another boy with a head full of dark hair. And let me tell you, her dream was spot on because not even a year we were blessed with Corban and he was born with sideburns (haha).
I know my dad left to go be with my mom. I can't even imagine them living without each other, they were are a team.
They may not be able to be with me and the boys physically but I know they are still with us. Like my mom's letter says, I can always talk to her. She was my best friend and the one I went to about everything. So it makes me happy to know I still have her, and my dad, to turn to. And I hope Logan and Corban never forget that!
We were blessed with the best and were so lucky to have them in our lives as long as we did. I hope I never let them down and can always honor them and make them proud. I hope I can carry on memories, traditions, and traits down to Logan and Corban. I'm so glad mommy and daddy blessed me with the two brothers I have. They keep me going.
Today, we celebrate my mommy and daddy's lives. I miss them more than anything in this world and "i love them more!" Here's to you, my beautiful angels!

my daddy, papa T

It seems like every holiday, or big day, I am constantly wiping away more tears than normal. Some days I wish we could just get rid of holidays, birthdays, all that just to not have to deal with the memories, and the (more than everyday) hurt and pain they cause. But I am getting better at reminding myself to think of the happy memories and to celebrate their life rather than hurt that they're not here with us. Easier said than done though, one day, maybe, one day. Most days it still just doesn't even feel real yet, and I'm not sure it ever will to be honest. Such a weird feeling, and a hard one to describe at that.

Today we get to celebrate one of the most important guys that was in my life, if not the MOST important. I call him daddy. Let me just tell you a few things about him.

• He worked at Monsanto, he may have always said he hated his job but secretly we all knew he loved it because it's all he would ever talk about. Every single day (and the brothers will back me up on this) he would come home, set his lunch box down and say "kids, make sure you guys go to college so you don't end up like me." I can still hear him saying it. Logan would always joke that when he was older he was going to carpool with my dad to work, haha. Even though he "hated" his job, he did whatever he had to to support his family and I will always be grateful for that.

• Speaking of work, he was the hardest working man I knew. If he wasn't working hours on end at work, he was either doing something with EMT, firefighting, something on the house/in the yard, or washing the cars! (Anyone who knew my dad knows he loved to take care of his cars and keep them clean!) He could never just sit down and relax and hold still. Always had to be up doing something!

• When him and mom had time off work together (on the weekends) we were always gone somewhere doing something. When I was home while J was deployed, there was never a dull weekend where we weren't out doing something, traveling somewhere. Mom and dad both loved to travel!

• Mom and us kids? We were his everything! And there was never a day that went by that he didn't let us know that. From always being there for us, whether we needed a butt kicking or a shoulder to cry on, or just a big daddy bear hug (he would always hug us and give us a big kiss on the top of our head, until logie bear got taller than him ;) how I would love to have one of those big hugs right now. Pretty much EVERY morning before he left for work he would leave a little note for the kids around the house. Could just be a 'good luck on your test', or a 'have a good day' or have a chore list for us, he would ALWAYS write I love you on it.

• How could I ever forget daddy's laugh. And his smile (with his gap in his teeth :) Have you ever been in a movie at the theater and when everyone laughs there is that ONE laugh you can hear over everyone else? That was my dad. Sometimes it was embarrassing but you couldn't help but laugh with him after hearing him laugh. I will never forget one day all the family was upstairs and all the sudden we hear my dad just laughing away downstairs (by himself) we walked down and he was watching twilight just cracking up! He was constantly making us laugh.

• Every night he got home from work, we had dinner at the dinner table, no ifs or buts about it. I don't ever remember not having dinner at the table because he loved having the whole family together to just talk about our days. And now looking back on it, I am so glad I was raised that way and he did that, because I am the same way now. And you could always count on dad to have a funny story or two about his day! He could tell stories all night long.

• He had nicknames for I think everyone he met, haha. Whether it was guys at work, us kids, or our friends. That is how he would remember someone. I will always be his blondie! And just to go along with nicknames, he had to always give everyone a hard time and joke around with them, or try to embarrass you! When I was younger, I was in a school play and he kept telling me he was going to sit front row and yell "casey, i'm your dad!" little did I know he wasn't lying! And to make it even worse? he had put those plastic "bubba" teeth in and started waving at me. Leave it to my dad ;)

• Looking for a car? a boat? a trailer? My dad was the guy to ask to help you look for that! He loved looking what was for sale on KSL. Just one of my favorite memories with him that I will never forget...when Justin was gone to basic training, my birthday that year, he got up that morning and woke me up and told me to get ready he was taking me car shopping. One of the funnest (yes, I said funnest, so what) days I've had with just me and my daddy. We would go to one dealership, test drive a car and drive it to another dealership to car shop there, haha. That's when we ended up getting my G6 and I remember driving home that day and he pulled up beside me at a stop light in the mazda and he raced me all the way home.

• Last, but not least, he couldn't wait to be a grandpa! Ever since J and I got married, he wouldn't come out and say it, but he was already buying things for the grandkids, and would say "this doesn't mean anything!" He would go to garage sales and get little bikes and everything. One day he came home and had bought little baby adidas socks and gave them to me (because he was slightly obsessed with adidas clothing) He had those little socks in the box still sitting on his dresser up till the day we had to clean out their room... </3 ...I know they are just loving being able to be with all their grandkids in heaven...

• He would sing every song that would come on the radio or we would be listening to (his favorite? lady gaga haha) and those have been some of the best memories, turnin up the music in the car with daddy and singing 'bohemian rhapsody'. He would always sing 'I loved her first' to me and has always been protective of his little girl.

Look at the two of you dancing that way
Lost in the moment and each others face
So much in love your alone in this place
Like there's nobody else in the world
I was enough for her not long ago
I was her number one
She told me so
And she still means the world to me
Just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl
Time changes everything
Life must go on
And I'm not gonna stand in your way

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it still hard to give her away
I loved her first
How could that beautiful women with you
Be the same freckle face kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time

From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I'm going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first


I could go on and on about my dad, whether it makes me laugh or cry. I miss everything about him! I am so blessed I grew up with such an example in my life, to know what to look for in a man, to know how I want to raise my kids. My little brothers have already been blessed with so many of his traits, especially Logan. He is his twin. When I am with him, I seriously always have to do a double take because he his identical. Looks just like him, walks just like him. And now seeing him married, I see even more of my dad in him. He sure loved loves his little buddies!

 

Happy Father's Day to the best daddy! I love you more and miss you SO much! Thank you for continuing to watch over us. I will see you again <3 

Love, your little blonde girl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

Also, I want to say a very Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband. He has stepped up to something that not just anyone could do, especially in a situation like this. It took someone special, and that's just what I have! He has been such an awesome father role to my little Corban James, and has been such a good example for him. The bond they have is inseparable and we are blessed to have him in our lives! So thank you, J. For everything you do for little man! I know momma j and papa t are smiling down at you for all you do for us! I love you babe!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



my B-E-A-Utiful momma

I'm not going to lie, ever since I was little, Mother's Day and Father's Day has always been two of my favorite 'holidays'. I'm pretty sure it all started with the little flowers/plants you got to plant for mom in a plastic cup in school or church. Or maybe the little 'coupon' books you got to make dad. I know you all know exactly what I'm talking about and have made them before! "one free ticket for a back rub" or "two tickets to wash the car". They were always so happy to get them even though they knew it would be the same thing every year.
As I got older, it wasn't about the flowers I planted or the coupon books I made. It was all about simply celebrating and thanking THEM. You grow to realize just how much they do for you and I always thought it was silly they only get ONE day of the year to be "recognized". But, you get to make that one day extra special.
Today isn't like any other Mother's Day. It's such a bittersweet one. I have always said that I hope one day I can be half the mother my mom is someday. Now here I am trying to fill her shoes in a way I never even thought of. But I know she has been with me every step of the way, to be the best "mom" I can be for her little Corban James.
Today I get to celebrate the most important woman who was in my life, my mommy.

• My mom was my best friend. She was the one who was always there for me no matter what, and our relationship and bond was inseparable. Ever since I can remember, she ALWAYS played this song for me and told me it was "our song". I can't listen to this song without tears streaming down my face now...I miss you mommy.

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

 

• She was the most selfless person I knew, and had the biggest heart! She would always put others first, no matter what. Would give the shirt off of her back to anyone.
• ALWAYS had a smile on her face no matter what situation she was in! And anyone who knew my mom, knows that her smile could make anyone smile.
• Along with her pretty smile, she was constantly laughing (and that my friends, is where I get it from!) that laugh of hers was the type that would fill the room! She was always trying to make others laugh.
• She was so creative with anything and everything she did! It could be the smallest of things but it would end up taking her ten times longer because she had to think of how to make it 'more creative' and put her extra touch on it.
• So positive and always looking for the good in everything and everyone!
• The hardest working lady I knew! She was the type who loved to work, always had to be doing something! My dad would always have to tell her to take a break, or take time off.
• She put family first. Her family was her everything and she NEVER let us forget that! From leaving us little notes around the house (daddy always did that too before he left for work), to giving us a hug and kiss every time we left the house, even if we would only be gone for a few minutes.
• The most beautiful woman! Ever since I was little I would go and sit in the bathroom with her while my mom got ready and just stare at her. Or when she was sleeping, I would just sit and look at her and think how pretty she was and hope that someday I would look just like her! (I know, sounds creepy actually saying that, ha! but it's the truth!)
• She was also a foster mom and an adoptive mom! She loved all of our foster kids we had just like her own, and still to that day would talk about them wondering what they were up to and how she missed them.

I could go on and on about my mom. She was such an incredible lady, and even more incredible MOM! I wish more than ANYTHING that I could wrap my arms around her and give her a big hug and kiss and tell her how much I love her. To be able to see that smile of hers and hear that laugh. I miss her and daddy more than anything but I know they are hand in hand! Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful mommy and I'm so thankful I had such a strong and beautiful role model and example in my life. I love you more Momma J!

 

 

 





Not many people know we have been struggling with infertility. It's not something I like to talk about, because it hasn't been easy, but I will never forget last Mother's Day, my mom sent me a sweet message telling me "Happy Mother's Day". I told her she sent that to the wrong person and she went on to tell me I am still a "mother" because I WANT to be, because we have been trying so hard. That right there, has been keeping me going, giving me more hope than anything and will keep that in my heart forever. The day I have someone calling me mom, will be such a miracle.